Sunday, December 11, 2005

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Filing Resignations

Some good things never last, so I can't see any reason why a bad thing should. Read on, and may the force be with you.

Step 1. Prepare the resignation letter. It should contain the date of effectivity, the reason for resigning, and an expression of appreciation.
Hey Bitch!
I'm leaving this loony bin and you can't do anything to stop me.
I've been dying to do this for a long time now but fear always gets the better of me. I realized, however, that if I have anything to be afraid of, a future of unemployment isn't it but a future of kissing your filthy ass.
But still, I want to thank you for teaching me how to value my self more. That's why I couldn't be under your nose any longer.
Good riddance!
Step 2. On the chosen day, come to the office later than usual (an hour will do). Stand tall, stiffen your upper lip, and look your boss directly in the eye.
Step 3. Go to your boss' desk and speak up before she does. What to say? "I'm leaving!" then proceed to Step 4.
Step 4. Slam your letter on her desk, walk away, and do not return.

But then, we are in the real world and fantasies are, well, just fantasies. Although I preferred the first version, I opted for the socially accepted resignation etiquette.

Step 1. It is too hard to write a polite letter for someone whom you have every reason to be impolite with. So go search the internet for carefully worded templates.
Step 2. Do not break your "early bird" record. It's wise to have enough time for practice.
Step 3. Approach your boss and hand her the letter.
Step 4. She will ask a few questions after she's read it. Be sure to answer her with respect. It will also help to give her the "If-I-had-a-choice-I-wouldn't-but..." statement to remove her doubts.
Step 5. Thank her for all the wonderful things she's done for you (invent if necessary) and shake her hand.
Step 6. Go to the bathroom and puke.
Step 7. Fix yourself. You will have to stay for two more weeks to do the turn-over.

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