Sunday, September 02, 2007

A rant a day keeps the doctor away*

The trouble started on Friday night, after a particularly bad recit in Crim (I've read the assigned pages and memorized the codals but somehow when the prof called my name to recite I couldn't remember anything and after a bit of struggle, I finally gave in to the urge to look at the book in the hope that I'd catch some magic phrase that would make me remember what I studied and save me from further humiliation. It was, of course, a very wrong move.) Strange how I managed to laugh silently and make faces after the prof called somebody else. Months before I would have "disapparated" by force of shame. Matapang/makapal na ako ngayon, hehe.

At home I tried reading an article called "A Prologue to A History of English Law" for next day's class but after an hour of staring at the same page, I abandoned the thing altogether. The footnote says it was first published in 1898. "That's why it's too esoteric," I reasoned to myself. It's an invalid argument, I know, for I can read Dickens and Austen and the Bronte sisters whose works preceded the article by decades without having problems. It helped me not to feel too bad about myself. I went to bed and stayed up for thirty minutes contemplating whether or not I will drop Legal History. But morning came and to class I went, although I was asleep the whole time with my eyes open.

In the afternoon I rambled off to the little bookshop across the UP Post Ofice where I spotted Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar. I was almost in tears at the sight of it (I've always wanted to own a copy but I couldn't find any), and so I bought it even though I wouldn't have the time to do some extra-curricular readings. =( I stowed it away after covering it with plastic and began reading the Persons cases in earnest. After a few minutes, however, I decided to read the book, having been sufficiently distracted by images of a woman baking her head in the oven (that's how Plath killed herself, I think).

Now I'm done with it and I don't know what to think. The book's theme of "search for identity and descent towards madness" muddled my already problematic sense of self. Or maybe it's just the rain. Or the cups of coffee I washed my stomach with after devouring bars of Cloud 9 which had the effect opposite its name (I have yet to figure out whether chocolate is an upper or a downer).

I think about the inscription at Malcolm and how it should read "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" instead. I remember the word "involution" and how my Kasaysayan 100 prof said it's when a complex civilization deteriorates when it has reached its full potential, and then I imagine my brain losing its convolutions and turning into a smooth mass, like that of a rat's.

I think I'm going crazy.

*pasintabi kay Tin

1 comment:

  1. dunno if chocolate is an upper or a downer... all i know is that it has this strange chemical that makes people feel, erm.... funny.

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