Monday, December 12, 2011

What is random?

It’s the last week of school this year and I haven’t been doing anything school-related for two weeks now, except go to classes and sit them out. I couldn't say I’ve been studying since reading is very different from studying, as Dean Maggie said just last Friday. Well then, if that’s the case, I haven’t been studying for the past five years because what I've been doing is a combination of frantic reading/highlighting, sitting-surviving classes, and frenzied word-hunting during recitations.

Which brings me to a question -– also asked by the huge Bar Operations Commission bulletin board outside the library -– are you ready to take the bar exams? The answer should be YES, since I have taken almost every core subject on the curriculum, but I still get scared when I couldn't answer with certainty random queries from colleagues and previous bar exam questions. Nerdy much? Not quite. Just apprehensive perhaps. And all the doubts I harbored for years come flooding my senses. Have I chosen the right path? Is it too late to quit? Am I ready? These questions have been popping up with more frequency than usual these past few days. The answer my mind has been giving is a frightening NO.

Over the years I have learned to ignore them, pushing them back to the deepest cavities of my consciousness, hoping they would never resurface again, that my love for learning would conquer the doubts and put an end to all their hounding. Five years, but they’re still there. I think of the reasons I had when I decided to take up Law. Nothing noble, I just thought I wasn’t in the place I wanted to be in (wherever that was) and Law was an ok thing to do in the meantime. “Ibang klase kang ma-bore,” was what an officemate said. “Nagseself-destruct,” I retorted.

Then I remember the career counseling thing I took at the Office of the Guidance Counselor at Vinzons Hall back in 2001, on the second month of my first semester in UP. It was a long personality test of sorts meant to measure your fitness for the course you’re taking. I was enrolled in Journalism, but the test result was such that I only scored a B+ as a reporter, an A- as a teacher, and A+ as a forest ranger. Whattup.


Maybe if you think less of yourself it would be easier, I thought. The search for reasons extended beyond my ego. I thought of my parents and how happy they would be if I become a lawyer. I would be the first from both sides of the family. I thought of the land dispute my grandfather is having with another relative, and how Papa said they’re counting on me to fix things up. My grade school teachers, they would be thrilled. If I do well I would have succeeded in letting them know that their efforts are appreciated.

Heck, there’s still OLA next sem. If that doesn’t show me what lawyering is about I don’t know what will.

Or, maybe I could take Environmental Law and be a real ranger (SFX: Power Rangers theme). In pink spandex suit. Hot.

Go, go, Power Rangers!

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